From the
JOKIN' AROUND DISK
by
LEEJAN ENTERPRISES
P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley.
South Australia. 5159.
A BILL TO REGULATE THE
HUNTING AND HARVESTING
OF ATTORNEYS
372.01 Any person with a valid Texas state rodent or
armadillo hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys
for recreational and sporting (non-commercial) purposes.
372.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is
permitted. The use of United States currency as bait is, how-
ever, prohibited.
372.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor
vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being
driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a
motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the road-
side and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.
372.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys
from a power boat, helicopter or fixed-wing aircraft.
372.05 It is unlawful to shout "Whiplash", "Ambulance", or
"Free Scotch" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
372.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within one hundred
(100) yards of BMW, Porsche, or Mercedes dealerships, except on
Wednesday afternoons.
372.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within two hundred
(200) yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country
clubs, brothels or hospitals.
372.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not
necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess same.
372.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a
reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accoun-
tant for the purpose of hunting attorneys
372.10 Bag Limits Per Day
Yellow Bellied sidewinders 2
Two-faced Tortfeasors 1
Back-stabbing Divorce Litigators 3
Horn Rimmed cut-throats 2
Honest Attorneys PROTECTED (ENDANGERED SPECIES)
From: TDCAA Prosecutors Report, found in the chambers of Judge
Lopez, 108th Judicial District, Amarillo, Texas.
What do you have if you have 100 lawyers drowning in a lake?
A good start.
Ben Dover & C. Howett Fields, att'ys at law
Dead Puppies aren't much fun
LAWYER: One who is skilled at circumnavigation of the law.
My senior year - The best 5 years of my life.
Truth is just another misconception.
Please donate to help the Humour Impaired
what is black and white and has two eyes?
sammy davis and sandy duncan
A jewish man comes home from the doctor and tells his wife he has herpes. She
says Vahts dat? He didn't know either, so she looked it up in the medical
dictionary, and said, Don't vorry it's a disease for the gentiles.
The doctor comes in with the results of the mans checkup and says, I've got
good news and bad news. The man says, give me the bad news first. The doctor
says, the bad news is you have AIDS. The man says oh my god, what news could
be good after hearing that? The doctor says the good news is you also have
Alzheimers, so go home and forget about it.
Bush falls into a coma and awakes 3 years later. His advisors explain he has
been in a coma for 3 years, and Quayle took over. Bush asks how Quayle is
doing, and his advisors say, ok but inflation is a bit high. Bush says, well I
remember stamps were 25 cents, how much do they cost now? His advisor says 500
yen.
How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?
They got ELECTRICITY up there??
Gone Chopin, be Bach in a Minuet.
A lawyer and his brother were hunting. A mountain lion jumped out
in front of them and started snarling.
The brother said "What should we do?"
The lawyer said "I'm gonna run for it."
The brother said "You can't outrun a mountain lion!"
The lawyer said "I don't have to outrun HIM-- I only have to outrun
YOU."
A rooster clucks defiance-- but a lawyer. . .
A minister put a sign on his church:
If you're through with sin
Come in
Somebody scrawled on it in lipstick:
If you're not:
Call 447-8912
RES IPSA LOQUITUR, but not clearly.
Edlin is my best word processor.
Know why that guy killed 8 people in Jacksonville the other day?
He thought GMAC meant: Give
Me
A
Car
*** A UNION MANS DOG ***
Four workers were discussing how smart thier dogs were. The first was an
engineer, who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named
"T-Square" and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle, and a
triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his
dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule." He told him to fetch a dozen
cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did
with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was
better. His dog "Measure" was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces
into a ten-ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem. All three men agreed
this was very good and their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the
Union Member and said "What can your dog do ?" The Teamster member called his
dog, whose name was "Coffee Break" and said, "Show the fellows what you can
do." "Coffee Break" went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the
paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing
so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for work- man's
compensation and left for home on sick leave.
A church near my old home has a series of signs along the road that
runs past it:
#1 This is a church.
#2 It has no steeple.
#3 Come on in.
#4 And meet its people.
A woman walks into her vets office with her poodle and sits down next to a
lady sitting with her great dane. They get to talking and the great dane's
owner asks the poodle's owner why they are there. The poodle's owner explains
that her dog is a male and he keeps trying to f*ck her leg so she is getting
him nutered. The great dane's owner told her she knows just how she feels as
every time she bends over her dog gets on her ass and tries to f*ck her.
Poodle owner> so are you getting him nuetered also?
Great Dane owner> No I'm getting his nails clipped.
I married a virgin; I can't stand criticism...
Where's the bow key to match my arrow keys?
Which reminds me of the line, What has an IQ of 20 and has 7 teeth??
Front row at a Willie Nelson concert!
I remember one good line from the three stooges where Moe, talking about some
famous pianist, say "This man is the best pianist in the country!", to which
Curly replies, "Oh yea, well how is he in the city?!"
"I think feminists have a point. I think there OUGHT to be a 'spokesperson'.
I think there OUGHT to be a 'chairperson'. But sometimes, they go to far.
Thay want me to call that thing in the street a 'personhole'. People would
look up and see the 'person in the moon'. And what would a 'lady's man' be? A
'persons's person'? That would make a 'he-man' an 'it-person'. And these are
the things you would be hearing about on 'Late Night with David Letterperson
"Have a nice day. Maybe, just maybe, I've had 192 nice days in a row, and I'm
ready, by God, for a CRAPPY day!"
Lite salad dressing: 500 Island
Meet my pet quadraped Baud Rat.....
Who could forget the classic by Conway Twitty and Loretta Lynn titled:
"You're the Reason Our Kids Are Ugly"
I kinda like "Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goal Posts of Life."
A born loser: Somebody who calls the number that's scrawled in
lipstick on the phone booth wall-- and his wife
answers.
I AM NOT schizophrenic. Me neither.
NEWS FLASH! NEWS FLASH! NEWS FLASH! NEWS FLASH!
The heaviest known element known to science was recently discovered by
corporate research physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratium,
has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it
does have 1 neutron, 15 senior vice neutrons, 60 vice neutrons, 125 assistant
neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of
312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that
involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.
According to discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction
to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally occur in less than one
second.
Administratium has a normal half life of approximately 3 years at
which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization
in which the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons
exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually
increases after each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicate Administratium occurs
naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as
government agencies, large corporations, and universities and can usually be
found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out Administratium is known to be toxic at any level
of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is
allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium
can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not
promising.
Our hero is at a bar,starting to tell this joke....Shhhh!
"This jock walked into a bar on night.."
"Hey buddy".interupted the beefy bartender,leaning over toward him.
"This isn't one of those dumb-jock jokes is it"? he asked.
"Well as a matter of fact it is" answered the man. "What of it"?
"Look,I lift weights when I'm not working here.and see that guy over
there? He's a pro wrestler.And those guys over there at the end of the
bar are pro football players.You SURE you want to tell your joke here?"
asked the bartender.
"I guess you're right",replied our hero. "I'd hate to have to explain it
5 times."
A bunch of sports-minded guys were boozing it up to excess and getting very
loud in the process. When the subject of the University of Georgia came up,
one of the guys snorted: "Huh! Everybody at Georgia is either a dumb football
player or a whore!" Across the table, another guy stood up, grabbed the
first guy by the collar, and said: "Oh, is that right? I've have you know MY
DAUGHTER goes to Georgia." First guy: "Really? Umm ... what position does
she play?"
What is 50 feet long and has no pubic hair?
The front row at a New Kids on the Block concert.
My mother-in-law kept nagging me to take her to Sea World.
I called, but they don't want her.
Welcome to the promised RAM.
Support Deadware: smoke.
There was a fire in my house, and my wife told the kids "Quiet, you'll
wake up daddy."
My system goes down more than a $10 whore.
This guy walks up to a sheepherder, and says "I bet you one of your sheep
that I can guess how many sheep you have in your flock".
SHEEPHERDER: No way I have too many. You have a bet.
GUY: Um....Um....Um....742
SHEEPHERDER: WOW!!! That's amazing. OK take whatever sheep you want.
A few minutes later.......
SHEEPHERDER: HEY buddy. I bet you double or nothing I can guess your
nationality.
GUY: I guess it's only fair. OK!
SHEEPHERDER: POLISH!
GUY: Yeah! How'd you know.
SHEEPHERDER: Put the dog back, and I'll explain it to you.
Oops! Did it again..this is a recording..Oops
MEMBER OF THE MARION BARRY DRUG ABUSE CLINIC
Only the mediocre are always at their best.
Don't sweat Petty things, or Pet Sweaty Things
My wife ran off with my best friend, and I miss him
Chris was enjoying a few at the local pub when a man joined him at
the bar, swaying back and forth as he stood there. It started to
get on Chris' nerves, so finally he turned to the stranger and asked
"What's with all this lurching back and forth? Can't you stand
still?"
"I was with the Merchant Marines for 15 years," the fellow explained
genially,"and the roll of the sea kinda got in my blood."
"IS that so? Well, I've got 14 kids," sputtered Chris, starting to
pump his hips energetically back and forth at the bar, "and I don't
stand like this!"
A man had a weird illness.Whenever he broke wind,it made the sound"honda".
He asked his doctor about it but the doctor after months of tests and
literature-reading,could not figure it out.Finally,just before he was about to
give up,he has an idea!"I'll call Honda Company in Japan and ask the company
doctor!!" Well,he called the Japanese doctor and was told by him to see if the
patient had an abscess in his teeth somewhere. Sure enough,there is,and when it
was treated the other affliction ended! When the doctor asked his Japanese
counterpart how he could make such a great diagnosis over the phone from such a
long distance away the man replied,simple: Abscess makes a fart go honda!!!
When Noah was loading the animals on the ark, a pair of adders came to the
gangplank. Noah said "I'm sorry, but I can only take animals that can
multiply, and you're adders". They said "Well, how are we gonna survive the
flood??!!??" Noah said "I don't know, and I wish I could help you, but I've got
my orders right from the Top." So the adders built a high platform out of tree
trunks, and stayed up on that during the flood. When the flood subsided and
the ark docked, Noah came down the gangplank and to his amazement was met by
the two adders with a whole lot of little adders. He said "I didn't know you
could multiply!!!" They said "Neither did we, until we got on the log table."
What's pink, wrinkled, and hangs out your pajamas?
-- Your mother.
Vegetarians eat vegetables;I'm a humanitarian
They're like vitamins only Better!...E Presley
Why did the chicken cross the road?
- A crazy was after him with a baby in one hand
and a stapler in the other.
Who is France's data compression hero?
Joan of ARC...
"They put dimes in the hole in my head and
You should see the change in me now!"
Honk if you've had Mrs. Bush
What's the difference between a pigeon and a Texas oil-man?
A pigeon can still make deposits on a Mercedes.
Reputation=character - what you got caught at
No one ever bets enough on the winner.
And so...the young, innocent farmgirl finally made it to the big city.
Upon landing her first real job as a Greyhound bus driver, she expressed her
excitement about her new job by pleasantly greeting each passenger that she
picked up along her route.
For example...
Early one morning, while rolling down one of the back country
roads on her route, she pulled up to a gentlemen waiting at the bus stop right
outside of the local farmers market. The man was standing there with a
rooster, a hen, and a donkey - not an uncommon picture around these parts.
So, in her usual, charming manner, she pulled up and
greeted the fellow with a big smile...
" Mornin' Sir... Should I grab your cock and pullet
til you get your ass in the door ??? "
Whats hard, and round and sticks out of your clothes far enough that
you can hang a hat on it?
-- Your head
What's a Polish shishkebob?
A flaming arrow through a garbage can.....
What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
What did the Pole do when he found out he had sugar in his urine?
He pissed on his corn flakes....
A young guy went to the drugstore to buy some condoms. The pharmacist noticed
that the guy was a bit confused and offered help. The pharmacist told the guy
he could buy a three pack, a six pack, or a twelve pack and explained the
difference when asked. He said that the three pack was for high school kids;
one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday. So what's the six pack
for, asked the young guy? That's for college kids; two for Friday, two for
Saturday, and two for Sunday. The customer's curiosity aroused, he asked about
the twelve pack. Oh, said the pharmacist, those are for married couples; one
for January, one for February, one for March...
Rl prgmmrs dnt nd vwls
BF> Who is France's data compression hero?
BF>
BF> Joan of ARC...
And Great Britain's?
-- Jack the Zipper
What do you call a leper in a hot tub?
Soup
Why did they stop the leper hockey game?
Their was a face off
How do you know when a leper's poker game is over?
They all throw in their hands
What did the leper say to the Hooker?
Keep the tip
There was this def mute couple and they really wanted to make love.
The girl said that she would, only if he had a condom. The guy then ran
to his dresser and grabbed a 10 dollar bill. Out the door he went in search
of a condom. When he arrived at the drug store he remembered that he didn't
know how to sign the word condom. In desperation, he unzippered his pants
and layed it on the counter.Then he slaped down his 10 dollar bill.
The Pharmacist came over and looked at what the guy had done. The phamacist
then unzippered his pants and layed his on the counter.
"Ha mines bigger" yelled the pharmacist. He took the 10 bucks.
He's dim, Jed!
Yesterday, while I was out driving, I got stuck behind a Line
Painting Truck. This wasn't one of the usual small jobs I'd
seen before -- the thing was the size of a cement mixer, and
had a couple of monstrous pressurized paint containers onboard.
The traffic was backed up because they were doing the double-
yellow center lines (which effectively blocked off half the
street. Eventually, I turned onto a side road to take a detour.
As I continued home, I saw freshly painted lines everywhere...
those guys had been busy. (With paint canisters that big, I
guess you can stay out a long time!)
I also saw a dead animal lying in the center of the road, which
isn't all that unusual. It might have been a groundhog or a
racoon -- when it's flattened out, it gets kinda tough to tell.
But this animal had one unusual distinguising characteristic...
...two bright yellow lines running straight across his back!
I'm sorry -- my karma ran over your dogma.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with Jell-O.
Boredom is a feast unfit for mankind, therefore, keep busy:
H H AAA V V EEE SSS EEE X X ! !
H H A A V V E S E X X ! !
HHH AAA V V EE SSS EE X ! !
H H A A V V E S E X X
H H A A V EEE SSS EEE X X * *
Why did they stop the leper baseball game?
Someone dropped a ball in left field.
Why did they stop the leper football game?
There was a hand off at the line of scrimmage.
Why did they stop the leper hockey game?
There was a face off.
What's grosser than gross?
7 babies in a trash can.
What's grosser than that?
1 baby in 7 trash cans.
One day a leper went into a bar and had a seat. The waiter arrived and took
his order.
"Scotch and soda" he said.
He shot down the drink quickly noticing that the waiter was becoming sick.
He got up to leave, but the waitor sat him back down saying,
"It's not you... I'll even buy you another drink."
The waitor return in seconds with another drink for the leper.
Again the leper shot down the drink and got up to leave, seeing the waitor
puking up lunch in the corner of the bar.
The waitor again tried to no avail to seat the leper.
"You keep saying that it's not me making you sick," the leper
exclaimed, "then who the hell is it?"
"Ok," the waitor replied, "It's not you. It's the guy next to you...
He's drunk... He's eating Potato chips ... and .. He's
DIPPING THEM IN YOUR ARM!
[43;32m----- From LeeJan Enterprises - P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley. S.A. 5159.----- [0m
What do you call 100 black guys at the bottom of the ocean?
A GOOD start.
Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
A: A 50 ft. cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
Q2: What do prostitutes and peanut butter have in common?
A2: They both spread for bread.
Did you hear about the big drug bust at the airport the other day?
Yeah, they lifted up this ladies skirt and found 50 pounds of crack.
Q: Why does Miss Piggy uses honey and vinegar douche?
A: Because Kermit likes to eat sweet and sour pork.
How is a Mexican like a cue ball?
The harder you hit 'em, the more English they pick up.
How does the brain know where it lives?
Now, now. Don't be like the leper who threw his hands up in the air
in disgust.
Help! My keyboard is stuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
Sometimes my mind and waste go together...
What do you call 1000 black guys jumping out of an airplane with out
parachutes?
A: Asphalt
How many Country Musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, the other to write a song about how good
the old light bulb was.
A duck went into a drugstore to buy some condoms.
Druggist said: "You want me to put that on your bill?"
Duck said: "Just What kind of a duck do you think I am?"
Does killing time damage eternity?
What is the only part of Popeye that doesn't get rusty?
The part he sticks in to Olive Oil!
What do you get when you mix a Rooster with peanut butter?
A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!
What is green, slimy and smells like Ms. Piggy?
Kermits middle finger!!!
How does a mexican know when he's hungry??
His ass burns!
Born free...Taxed to death.
I NEED Kirstie Alley's home phone number!!!!!!!!!!
How about "She Broke My Heart, So I Busted Her Jaw."
Q: Why did the pervert cross the road?
A: He was stuck in a chicken.
Q: Why did the New Yorker cross the road?
A: What's it to you??!!!!!!!!!!!?
Dyslexics should be persona au gratin.
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Chickens weren't invented yet.
What's that up the road? A head?
A chicken is the only animal that you can eat before it is
born, and after it is dead!
If at first you dont succeed,forget skydiving
Q: How many Longshoremen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty-three. You got a problem with that?
Put your modem where your mouth is!
What goes in hard and stiff and comes out soft and goo-ey?
--- Gum
I WAS Joan of ARC...now I'm Eileen of ZIP...
Did you hear about the sign off on the news show in the leper colony?
Its ten o'clock, do YOU know where your extremities are?
History repeats itself; historians repeat each other.
Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl?
A: A cock that stays up all night.
Q: What's a mile long and moves at 5 mph?
A: A Mexican funeral with only one set of jumper cables.
Q: Why were there only 5000 Mexicans at the battle of the Alamo?
A: They only had four cars.
Women do come with instructions, ask them!
If you can't beat the one you love, love the one you beat!
Nah, My wife ran off with a BAnana! Oh, what a rotten deal!
What is long and Hard, and contains Seamen?
A Submarine!
Astronaut--Whirled traveler.
Skydiver--a guy whose talks fall flat.
Carpenter--a guy who nails down his agreement.
Surrey-makers--always looking for fringe benefits.
Soviet spy-dancer--a ballet ruse
Chinese spy--a Peiping Tom.
Harpist--a plucky musician.
A piano player found his instrument to be out of tune
and therefore called in the local tuner, Mr. Orlando
Oppornokity. Mr. O. accordingly was summoned, tinkered
with the keys, and departed. The piano player was not
satisfied with the job, however, and called Mr. O.
demanding that he return and do the job right. Not on
your life, Mr. O. replied, "Oppornokity tunes but
once."
Why don't kids fight for custody of parents?
There was a rascal who managed to get engaged to two
women at the same time: one named Edith, in California,
and the other named Kate, in texas. Unfortunately for
the rascal, the two girls met at a beauty contest,
discovered the truth, and confronted him with the
following admonition: "You can't have your Kate and
Edith, too."
I'm in search of myself, have you seen me?
Q. What's the difference between a Hedgehog and a BMW
A. The pricks are on the outside of a Hedgehog!
What did the ship's navigator say to the midget?
"Belly-high, here's your island.....
As they say in Copenhagen..."There is nothing like a Dane."
A class lecture was being given in a large auditorium at Illinois
State University. The professor was proceeding marily through his
notes when a large bag of Doritos came sailing down from the
balcony RIGHT AT THE PODIUM. (apparently, a girl in the balcony
had--for WHATEVER reason--been leaning over the balcony railing with
the bag in her hand and had "accidentally" dropped it.) When the
professor saw this approaching missile, he simply reached up, caught
it, exclaimed "Oh! LUNCH!" and continued with his lecture without
further comment.
"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
So the High School Shop Teacher is giving his students
a little quiz -- he asks a girl if she can explain the
difference between a screw, a nail, and a bolt.
"Golly!" she replied, "I've never BEEN bolted!"
The wages of sin are tax deductible
"What are you doing that for?", Bill asked, looking at his friend
Tyrone. The large, muscular negro had just finished using a urinal and
before zipping up, banged his cock against the side of the receptacle
three times.
"You oughta try it," Tyrone explained as he zipped up, "it'll make your
dick bigger." Bill scoffed politely. "Naw man, I mean it. Come on,
just humor me: every morning when you get up and take a leak, bang your
dick against the toilet three times. I'll bet you anything it works."
Sceptical but good natured, Bill agrees to try his friend's advice. The
next morning, he pulls himself out of bed, urinates, and beats his pud
against the toilet. Every morning for two weeks he performs this
procedure, and upon close inspection, he realizes his cock is indeed
almost half an inch longer.
From then on, he enthusiastically performs this task. One morning,
however, the banging noise rouses his wife from sleep in the next room.
"Tyrone, is that you?" she asks.
Yeah, Aggies can be real touchy. Why just last week, I was swapping Aggie
jokes with a friend at a bar. The guy sitting next to us seemed to get
redder and redder after each one. Finally having heard enough he
announced, loudly, "I'll have you know that I'M an Aggie!" The temptation
was too much, so I replied "Well I'll tell the next one real slow." At
this, he stormed out of the bar. A half hour later, I was walking out to
my car when the Aggie jumped out from behind a bush brandishing a razor!
Luckely for me, it wasn't plugged in.
I heard a story about a student who walked into the wrong classroom during
finals week. Since the classes are so large it wasn't obvious at first
that anything was wrong. As soon as he got a test, he realized that he
was in the wrong place. So, he got up, stormed to the front of the class,
slammed the paper on the desk and said, "This test is TOO DA*N HARD!" and
stormed out, to a cheering class.
Acupuncturists do it with a small prick.
POOPIE
Ghost Poopie the kind where you feel the poopie come out, but
there are no poopies in the toilet.
Clean Poopie the kind where you poopie it out, see it in the
toilet but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie the kind where you wipe your butt fifty times
and it feels unwiped, so you have to put some
toilet paper between your butt and your
underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie it happens when you're done poopie-ing and
you've pulled your pants up to your knees and
you realize that you have have to poopie some
more.
Pop a Vein in Your Head Poopie
the kind where you strain so much that you
almost have a stroke.
Richard Simmons Poopie
you poopie so much that you lose thirty pounds
Lincoln Log Poopie the kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid
to flush without breaking it into little pieces
with the toilet brush.
Gasey Poopie it's so noisy everyone within earshot is
giggling.
Corn Poopie (self-explanatory)
Gee, I Wish I Could Poopie
it's the kind where you want to poopie, but all
you do is sit on the toilet, cramp and fart a
little.
Spinal Tap Poopie that's when it hurts so bad coming out, you'd
swear it was leaving sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie (the power dump) the kind that comes out of your
butt so fast your butt cheeks get splash with
water.
Bicyclist do it with chains.
This guy has been feeling really bad for about 3 weeks
so he goes to see his doctor. The doctor says, "Look, I
don't know what you've got, but it could be serious, so
why don't you go to this specialist I know." So the man
went to the specialist and the specialist said, "Look
you have this rare sickness, only one person every ten
years gets it! The only cure is made in Australia in a
little town called Mercey, about 400 miles from Sidney.
By the way, you have 1 week to live."
So the man took the first flight he could to Sidney,
rented a car and drove to Mercey, Australia. When he
got there he found it was a town with a population
of one. The man walked up to the one house in the
village and an old doctor answered.
"You have to help me!" said the man,"I'm dying of
this rare illness and I have only 4 days to live"
So the old man invited him in. "I must give you my
special Koala bear Tea. It is the only thing that
will cure you."
So the old man went out to get the supplies. One
koala, a few birds and such, and he boiled them
together and gave them to the man with bones and
feathers and dirt sticking up. and the young man
looked at it repulsed and asked if it could be
strained. The old docter looked horrified and said,
"Oh No, the Koala Tea of Mercy is never strained"
Cheer up! Yesterday won't matter tomorrow.
His eyes bulged and he got headaches. The doctor says, "Look, I
don't know what you've got, but it could be serious, so why don't
you go to this specialist I know." So the man went to the
specialist and told him, "Hey, my eyes bulge and I get these
headaches. What's wrong?" The specialist said, "Look you have this
rare sickness. It's always fatal. I'm sorry, but you have only
months to live. There's only one treatment to prolong your life:
immediate castration. I'm sorry."
Well this is a shock, but he goes for it. Later, he is out buying
some new shirts, and tells the salesman, "I take 15-33 shirts. Got
some nice cream colors?"
Salesman says, "Naw, big guy like you, he takes maybe a 16,
16-1/2."
"No, I take 15 collars. Gimme 15 inches."
"OK, You've got them if you want, but lemme tell you, you're about
my size in the arms and shoulders, if I try tto wear 15 inch
collars, I get headaches and my eyes bulge out....."
A Russian, an American, an English Canadian, and a French
Canadian go camping together. One night they are sitting
around the campfire talking about their countries.
The Russian grabs a case of vodka, tosses it in the fire
and shouts, "Russia has such an abundance of vodka that
I can toss away a case without a thought".
The American takes a wad of $100 bills from his backpack,
tosses it in the fire and yells, "America has such an
abundance of money that we can afford to burn cash for
warmth".
The English Canadian grabs the French Canadian and tosses
him on the fire.
Of course there's Mel Fami, famous pitcher for the Yankees.
Every game he pitched was a no hitter. Every game he didn't
pitch they lost. Went to the series, 7th game, 9th inning,
0 - 0. Mel was nervous and for the first time in his life
he took a drink of a beer. Got so drunk, he walked the next
five batters, and lost the game. The manager of the other
team picked up the can of beer and said, "This is the beer
that made Mel Fami walk us."
There once was a young man named Dave
who drug a dead whore in a cave.
Now, it ain't first-class
(f..kin' dead ass),
But LOOK at the MONEY Dave saved!
Did I make myself clear? Translucent?
... so the husband finally let his nagging wife (redundancy?) go
deer hunting with him. After setting her up in a blind and
waiting in his own blind a way's away, he heard a shot. Not
believing that she bagged one before he did, he raced to her
blind to see what happened. She was pulling on one end of the
animal while a large man was pulling on the other. They were
arguing very loudly about whose it was when the man, in total
exasperation, finally said, "Ok lady, you can have it. Just give
me five minutes to get the saddle off."
Save the whales. Refrigerate 'em.
Reminds me of the guy who was out fishing all day, and frustrated with
only catching one fish, took the fish to bed with him. His wife came to
bed and wanted to make love. "Not tonight", the fisherman replied, "I
have a haddock."
This new guy in town was visiting a local pub when he noticed a strange
looking machine next to the bar. The bartender told him it is a piss
analysis machine. The new guy wanted to try it out. He pissed in
the machine and threw in a loonie. 10 seconds later, the machine spat
out a card that says "You need glasses".
"This is bullshit! How can the machine tell if I need glasses from
my piss?"
He decided to give it another try. So he went home, collected piss
from his wife, his daughter and his dog and mixed it all up. Then,
he added couple drops of Quaker State from his car and finally, as
good measure, he jerked off into the brine.
The next day, he went back to the pub. He poured the solution into
the machine and inserted anotehr loonie. This time, the machine struggled
and took almost 5 minutes to come up with an answer.
"Your dog has flees, you wife is dating a Latin lover, your daughter
is pregnant by a Haitian drug user, your car is about to blow up and
if you don't stop jerking off, you'll go blind."
I want a modem that talks!!
What do you call an Italian suppository???
an Inuendo?
What do you call an Italian astronaut???
a specimen..
Greetings. Must tell you about my uncle Bill who went to
Hollywood to get a job in the movies. Bill finally got his big break
and was chosen to play a part in a western. When casting interviewed
him they asked "which part do you think you are best suited for?"
Of course uncle Bill replied "Just give me a small bit and a steer to
star by!"
There was this guy who picked up this chick at a dance.
After they danced, the guy said
"I'd take you to my house, but my parents are home."
The woman replied
"I'd let you go to my house, except my BOYFRIEND is there!"
The dude suggested that they go to his van instead.
The chick agreed and they went to the van; they both
took off their clothes, and at the point where the man
was about to enter her, the woman exclaimed
"What, no foreplay?! How about going outside and look for
a stick, and you could beat me with it!"
So the man went outside, but couldn't find any sticks. So instead
he busted the aerial off his van, and the guy and girl beat
each other on the back and they had a gay old time. The next
morning, however, the man was feeling aweful sore on the back.
He went to his doctor, who exclaimed:
"This is the worst case of Van-Aerial disease I've ever seen!"
There was once a little land,where there lived a little
peaceful race of people called the Trids.Everything was
OK until a huge giant settled in their land.And if that
weren't bad enough,whenever the giant came upon a
Trid,he would kick him as hard as he could!Well,the
Trids finally had had enough!Being very religious,they
went to see their local Rabbi.Rabbi,they exclaimed!,the
giant keeps kicking us,please help! So the Rabbi went
over to the giant's cave and hollered"come out here;and
explain why you keep kicking the poor little Trids!" The
giant stuck his massive head out of the cave entrance
and said: Silly Rabbi,kicks are for Trids!!!!!!!!
============================WARNING!===================================
A Canadian joke is approaching. This can be enjoyed by non-Canadians
as well, as long as they observe the following precautions.
1. Keep in mind that Canadians have a Prime Minister (kind of like
a President but without the restraining powers of Congress, the
Supreme Court or Democracy, and much, much stupider).
2. The current (2 more years max!) Prime Minister is Brian Mulroney.
3. Mulroney just had a little cabinet shuffle.
After the recent shuffle, Brian decided to take his cabinet for lunch.
The waiter took his order.
Waiter: What would you like for lunch, sir?
PM: I'll have the haddock.
Waiter: And for the vegetables, sir?
PM: Uhhhhhh. They'll have the same.
Support mental health.........Or I'll kill you.
Scene - a schoolroom in Italy.......
Teacher: Class, can anyone tell me where the Great Lakes are? Luigi?
Luigi: Upper U.S. !
Teacher: Oh Luigi, I'm taking you to the principal's office.
P.S. Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Viaducts.
Viaducts who?
Viaducts valking on vebbed feet vhen zay could be svimming?
Lower the age of puberty!
Little ms. muffet
sat on her tuffet
eating her curds and whey
along came a spider and said
"What's in the bowl, b*tch?!"
Leonard had heard so much about ice fishing that he decided to
give it a try. He got all his ice fishing gear together, went out
onto the ice and started to drill a hole. Suddenly, a deep,
resonant voice from above him said, "There are no fish there".
Leonard shrugged, picked up his equipment, moved another 50 feet
out onto the ice and began to drill. Again, a big voice boomed,
"There are no fish there". Leonard looked up and asked, "Are you
God?" "No asshole, I'm the arena manager, now get out!"
Dyslexics of the World..... UNTIE!
....Then there was the hopeless case that Sherlock Holmes
solved through the use of brilliant deduction....
Watson asks, " Tell me dear Sherlock, what school did you
last attend?"
"Elementary my dear Watson, Elementary."
Did you hear about the guy who discovered his new wife thought the smoke
detector in the apartment was the oven timer.
Or how about the woman who went to the bank and got a home improvement
loan, took it home, gave it to her husband and told him to get lost.
A man went into a pet store and said to the owner, I'd like
to buy a pet that is out of the ordinary -unusual. The pet
shop owner replied, well,I have one Rairy-bird left... The
man said, I've never even heard of a Rairy-bird, that
certainly makes it unusual!, I'll take it! So the man
brought home his new Rairy-bird and soon found out that it
had a huge appetite! It was always hungry!! Finally,the
Rairy-bird was so big and fat that it wouldn't fit inside
the house anymore, much less the cage! The man said to
himself:I've got to get rid of this animal-I can't afford to
feed it! So he rented a huge dump truck, put the Rairy-bird
into the back ,and drove to the edge of a high cliff. He
then dumped the Rairy-bird out of the truck and over the
cliff!! Thinking that all his troubles were over, the man
was driving home when he suddenly heard this singing coming
from the back of the dump- truck: I"It's a long long way to
tip-a-Rairy!!
My old friend Roy Rodgers once got himself a brand new
pair of cowboy boots.They were beautiful!! Out on the
plains camping once,a huge mountain lion crept into
Roy's camp and chewed up Roy's new cowboy boots!Roy was
furious,and decided to never rest until he had revenged
himself upon the ornery mountain lion! Finally he had
the critter in the sights of his rifle!Bang!!-one dead
mountain lion! Heading back into town with the dead
animal slung across his horse,a friend approached him
and sang: Pardon me Roy, But is that the cat That chewed
your new shoes?
Ma and Pa always made a nice ritual out of dinner - Ma brought
out her freshly baked loaves of home-made bread, and Pa would
carefully carve them into regular, even slices. Every night,
the family would sit around the table nodding with approval as
Pa displayed his skill with the knife, barely leaving a crumb
as he divided up the loaves. As the years went by, the kids
would all chip in and buy Pa a new knife every few Christmases.
Each time, they got him a larger, sharper, better knife. Pa
could put a couple of loaves side-by-side and with one pass of
his knife, create several even slices of Ma's bread. Finally,
one Christmas, the kids really outdid themselves. They got Pa
such a fine knife that tears sprang to his eyes as he opened
the package. Holding it aloft, he reverently exclaimed,
"I never thought that I'd own a four-loaf cleaver!"
Old Mother Hubbord went to the cubbord to get her poor daughter a dress;
When she got there the cubbard was bare and so was her daughter, I guess.
Old Mother Hubbord went to the cubbord to get her poor dog a bone; When she
bent over rover came over and gave her a bone of his own.
Mary had a little lamb; The Dr.'s were supprised;
But when Old McDonald had a farm, they almost passed out.
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds and way;
Along came a spider and said what ya got in the bowl bitch.
There was an old lady who lived in a shoe; She had so many children her
uterious fell out.
Once there was a Russian who had a pen-pal who lived in Africa.
They had written each other letters for about 2 years, when the
African sent a letter to his Russian friend announcing his plans
to come to Russia and visit him. The Russian, who always wanted
to meet his African friend, prepared a tour for his friend.
After meeting him at the airport, the Russian took the African on
a tour of Moscow. When they approached Red Square, the African
saw a circle of men standing around passing something around, and
asked "What's going on down there?". The Russian said "That's
our national game of Russian Roulette". The African asked "How
is it played?" The Russian said "Well, let's go watch them..."
They went down and watched as each Russian in turn took a six-
shooter from his neighbor, spun the cylinder, placed the muzzle
to his head, and pulled the trigger. The African said "What's
the game about?" The Russian explained "One of the chambers is
loaded. If you land on the loaded chamber, you are dead." The
African says "Interesting.... Simple, yet elegant. I like
it..."
As the African was about to leave for home, they made plans for
the Russian to visit his African friend in his home village.
Remeber that neat game you showed me called Russian Roulette?
We have invented our own version, called African Roulette..." The
Russian asked "How is it different?" The African says "Well,
let's go watch and I'll show you."
They go to the center of the village and find the following scene:
In the center of the village, there are 20 naked men walking around a circle.
Inside the circle, there are 20 naked women.
An old man to the side is beating on a drum.
The Russian says "OK, what's going to happen now?" The African
replies "See the man with the drum? When he quits beating it,
each man get's a blowjob from the woman in front of him..." The
Russian says "Where's the fun of that?!?" The African replies
slyly "One of the girls is a Cannibal!!!"
Save the Whales -- Collect the whole set!
If swimming is good for your figure,
Why do whales look the way they do?
Why are they raising the drinking age to 23 in Newfoundland ?
To cut the drinking out of the elementary schools .
Uncle Bill was finding the money in the movie business rather poor.
Unless you were a big star minimum wage was the best you could expect.
As Bill was having trouble making ends meet he decided to take on a
second job. After some searching he got a job out in the San Joaquin
valley guarding fields of cantalopes and casabas. Bill was issued an
old double barrel shotgun and shells loaded with rock salt. His job was
to protect the fruit from theives who would sneak in during the dark of
night. The first few nights were very difficult. Uncle Bill had a
terrible time staying awake all night, then going to his daytime acting
job. At last Bill came up with a solution. He would get a dog to help
him guard the fields. After much looking Bill found a suitable animal.
It was one of the long haired breed known for its great intelligence.
In memory of one of the dogs more famous relatives Bill named his new
pet Lassie. Guard duties became much easier. Lassie would stand watch
while her master caught a few winks. Unfortunately one dark evening a
stray dog came into the cantalope field. While Bill was sleeping Lassie
took time out for a romantic interlude. In a due span of time Lassie
gave birth to a single cute little puppy. Bill was delighted, he now
had two dogs to help with guard duties. He became very attached to the
little pup, and often refered to it as his "melon collie baby".
;-)
Husband and wife were enjoying some horizontal recreation.
Husband stopped and asked wife. "Did I hurt you?" She replied.
"No, why?" He responded, "You moved!"
Wife tells husband that if he doesn't smarten up she'll cut him off.
He asked, "How you gonna do that? You don't even know where I'm getting it!"
Guy asks friend if friend talks to his wife during sex.
Other guy responds, "Sure, if she happens to call!"
Guy asks friend, "Does your organ burn after you've had sex?"
Friend responds, "Don't know, never enjoyed sex enough to try and light it!"
What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub?
The woman in church has hope in her soul...
All swell that ends swollen...
Little Miss Muffet
Crouched on a tuffet,
Collecting her shell-shocked wits.
There dropped (from a glider)
An H-Bomb beside her-
Which blasted Miss Muffet to bits.
What's the definition of gross???
Diving into a bowl of snot and eating your way out!
What's the definition of pain??
Jumping off the CN tower and getting your nose caught on a nail!
What's another def of pain??
Sliding down the CN tower with razor blades strapped to your butt and
then landing in a bowl of iodine!
What is red and scratches on glass??
A baby in a microwave!
What is green and doesn't scratch on glass???
The same baby two weeks later!
How do you get across a room without touching any babies??
Use a snowblower!!!
What is black and squirms??
A half alive baby in a body sack.
What is black, smells and doesn't squirm??
The same baby three weeks later!!
It was the 8th annual mouse convention and mice from near and far
had gathered for the ball. A pretty little female mouse waltzed by
the stag line and one of the males whistled a low, dirty whistle to
himself. Turning to another male mouse he said, "Look at the legs
on that mouse, aren't they sexy?'
"Just fair," was the answer.
"You crazy," said the first mouse and then turned to another,
asked his opinion.
"They're nice," said the third mouse, "but nothing to get excited
about."
"Some mice have no appreciation," exclaimed the first mouse.
"Now you," he said to the fourth mouse, what do you think of
them?"
"To tell the truth," was the reply, "I'm no authority on legs,
I'm a titmouse myself."
A young couple got married and after all the festivities the new
groom made one request of his new wife. He told her he wanted
to designate a drawer in his bureau to be his PRIVATE DOMAIN.
She was to respect his privacy and never venture into this sacred
place of his. Well she was agreeable to this and went on to live
a long and happy life together.
After about 45 years of this marital bliss the husband became
seriously ill, hospitalized, and not expected to survive long.
The wife sitting at home, waiting to go for a visit, decided
this may be her last opportunity to unlock the secret of his
private door so he opened it up. Inside she found 3 golf balls
and 5000 dollars in cash. Later at the hospital she confessed
to her dying husband of her curiosty and asked him to explain the
contents. Well, he said, whenever I cheated on you I put a
golfball in the drawer. She thought about that fora minute and
figured considering they had 45 happy years, she could forgive
3 indescretions. She then asked of the 5000 dollars.
Oh that, he said, every time I got a dozen balls I sold them.
I maybe a Poet and I don't Know it.
But my Dick... It's a Longfellow!
A man stood on the Brooklyn Bridge,
his feet hung in the water.
- Longfellow
Two guys stop on a bridge to relieve themselves. As they are
standing there, the first guy said "Hey, this water is cold."
The other guy replied, "Yeah, and deep too."
Two neighbors were discussing gardening one afternoon. The lady
from next door remarked, "My but you have such a nice blush on
your tomatoes, how do you do it?" The gentleman farmer replied,
"Oh, its easy. Every morning before I get dressed, I walk out to
my garden in my bathrobe and flash them. You should give that a
try."
A few weeks later the two neighbors were again talking about
gardening, when the man asked, "By the way, how are your tomatoes
doing? Do they have a nice blush yet?" "No," answered the woman,
"they are the same as before. But now my cucumbers are a foot
long!"
If you had a faggot on your back, would you let him stay on,
or would you beat him off?
There were two young brothers, Ted age 10 and Roy age 8.
For days they had been contemplating where they were going
to be sent for their annual summer camp. Well Ted says "My
instinct tells me we are going to be sent back to camp
Tomahawk again this year." Roy looks at him with a weird
glint in his eye and says "Well my end stinks too but it
don't tell me nuttin."
Did you pass your prune pit today?
Or the gal who wanted a unique pet for a gift for her husband, and
bought the Crunch-Bird that the pet store clerk recommended. Why?
Well, the clerk had demonstrated.... "Crunch-Bird - CHAIR!" Whereupon
the Crunch Bird reduced the chair to sawdust with his powerful beak.
Then, "Crunch Bird, Table!" Another pile of dust, so she bought it on
the spot. Well, the guy had had a terrible day at work and was in a
lousy mood. His wife greeted him at the door and said, "Honey, look
what I bought for you today! A Crunch Bird."
To which the grump replied, "Crunch Bird, my ass! Gimme a beer!"
A woman in Boston hails a taxi and hops in.
Woman: Oh driver, take me to where I can get scrod.
Driver: OK lady, but shouldn't you be using the past perfect?
Beware of geeks baring GIFs.
Why doesn't the Post Office lose THIER mail?
From the
JOKIN' AROUND DISK
by
LEEJAN ENTERPRISES
P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley.
South Australia. 5159.